marriage-centered vs child centered?

Yesterday, Carl and I had the privilege of speaking at our church to the women who attend our MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) program. We took some of our information from a favorite book of ours, A Family of Value, by John Rosemond. Actually, it wasn't a speech as much as it was a refreshing interactive time with these lovely ladies who are giving their lives to raising the next generation of children, teaching and training and loving... and "on the job" 24 hours of every day. Hats off to you, ladies! We were honored.

Because the format was in question/answer form, more like an interview, we bounced from subject to subject, and probably did not thoroughly address some of the topics we touched on. I have been hearing questions from women who want more clarity on the whole concept of having a marriage-centered home versus a child-centered home.This issue is obviously more geared toward women who are married, but single moms can also learn that a woman's life can not be devoted 100% to her child. She too has a life of her own.

One note, just in case anyone misunderstood us yesterday: For the first 18 months or so of a child's life, the reality is that he must be the center of attention. A parent's authority can only be built on a firm foundation of TRUST, when the child knows without a shadow of doubt that all his needs will be met.

So how can someone tell if their family is marriage-centered or child-centered?

First of all, in my opinion, society in general and our culture lends itself to the latter: a child-centered family. Even the terminology we use to describe our role within our family, reflects that mindset. If you are a woman who works at home, do you see yourself as a "home-maker" and a "housewife" or do you always refer to yourself as a "stay-at-home mom?" And if you have a job outside the home, are you an "employee" and "working wife" or do you describe yourself as a "working mother?"

As a married woman with children, are you primarily wife or primarily mother?

*The marriage-centered woman sees her marriage and her relationship with her husband as the nucleus of the family, with her children as satellites that revolve around the nucleus, sort of like the planets to the sun...the child-centered woman focuses all her energy on the unending needs of her children, often seeing her husband as a mere "parenting aide" whose job is simply to assist mom when she needs assistance and step in for her when she decides she needs a break.

*The marriage-centered woman knows that, after the age of two, if her child's relationship consumes more of her energy than does her relationship with her husband, that child can--and will--play the parents against each other. The child-centered woman continues to give her child too much attention when he no longer needs it,teaching him that happiness is something somebody else makes for you.

*The marriage-centered woman is confident enough in her role, that when her little ones get "underfoot", she can look at them and say simply, "You can see I'm busy. You don't need anything from me right now, so go find something to do. You need to leave me alone"...the child-centered woman serves and serves and serves her children who become increasingly demanding and needy. She continues to hope that if she just serves enough, the children will on their own, leave her alone. (They never do.)

*The marriage-centered woman expects her children on most days to come home from school, change clothes, and find something to do themselves....The child-centered woman measures her worth in terms of how exhausted she makes herself in the course of driving her children to and from one activity after the other.

*The marriage-centered woman spends an evening with her husband while her children gather round the table to do their homework....the child-centered woman spends the evening with her children helping them do their homework.

*The marriage-centered woman chooses when it's "mommy time" and she explains to her children that this is the time she will put aside to play/read/do what they want. When the time is up (the stove timer can be set to help!) she stops and goes back to her own work, reading, talking with her husband, or whatever. She knows that her child will initially be unhappy with this arrangement, but he will adjust to his mother's terms...the child-centered woman feels like unless she is doing something FOR her child at all times, she is a bad mom. She somehow believes that she has within her, the ability to BE all that her child needs in life. So she keeps trying to win an unbeatable war.

OK, so does this approach to child-rearing seem impossible, old-fashioned, off the wall, maybe even heredical?! Let me know your thoughts! We're all in this together and being a mom is a life-time endeavor, one that evolves and changes with the seasons of our life, but once-a-mom-always-a-mom, that's for sure!