Dads: what about them?

Mothering can feel like an overwhelming job. And in some ways, it is.

But one of the things I've noticed that adds to a mother's stress, is this idea that the job of child-rearing is totally and completely her responsibility. If she lets go of even a tiny little part of it, her world will come tumbling down. And then her children will turn out wrong. And it will all be her fault.

What a scary way to live.

And the result of this kind of thinking is that fathers often feel insignificant and unnecessary. Maybe even excluded.

Of course, we all know that mothers and fathers parent differently. Moms, of necessity, usually spend more time with their infants than fathers do. Part of that is the fact that they have the built-in "bottle" and in the early months, babies mostly eat and sleep!

But in the same way that women are better suited to certain aspects of parenting than fathers, it works both ways. In my experience, Carl was much better with our pre-teen and teenage children, particularly our daughters. An emotional young girl being parented by an equally-emotional mother just didn't always work well for us. Oh my, how the sparks could fly!

If I could go back in time and do anything different when our first child was born, I would make a conscious effort to bring Carl into the process much more than I did. Blame it on my traditional Amish upbringing, or the fact that my dad was not involved much in the early years of his children's lives (or, to be more honest, my need for control)...whatever the reason, I made it clear --without a word, I might add-- that this baby was my responsibility and if I needed Carl's help, I would let him know.

It is easy for wives to see their husbands as simply a "parenting aide." Just like a teacher's aide at your children's school, his job is to step in when the mom needs him or when she decides she needs a break. She determines the extent of his involvement.

Many men are frustrated because their wives want them to be involved in the parenting, but when they do get involved, they do the job differently than their wives and are immediately informed it's wrong. The wife sighs and says, "he just can't be trusted to do this thing right," so she treats him as the extra child who has to be supervised in addition to all the other little ones.

I remember one time when Mandi was about a year old. My schedule that night took me away over suppertime and into the evening. I came home after Mandi was in bed and asked Carl all about the details of the evening. He told me the things they had done together: he had taken her outside with him while he was working in the yard. She went to bed well for him and he was pleased with how the evening had turned out. Then I asked Carl how much of her supper Mandi had eaten. He turned to me, a blank look on his face.

He had completely forgotten to feed his child.

I don't remember what my response was at the moment, but I knew that if I made a big deal out of this, and made him feel like a bad dad because of a simple oversight, he would be less inclined to watch her on his own again.

The bottom line is, Carl loved his daughter. And Mandi loved spending time with him. If he had been in charge of taking care of her for two or three days, he would have remembered to feed her. Was that one meal going to make a difference in the long run? Was it such a terrible infraction that he needed to be made to feel guilty or inadequate? I think not.

Mandi survived, by the way. And ate a nice big breakfast the next morning.