tantrums in the grocery store

Moms often ask when their child disobeys, "How do I know what is the right punishment?" Maybe a better question would be, "What is the most appropriate response?" The key to effective discipline is not punishment, it is management.

Punishment is usually a reaction, an off-the-cuff response to something that happens which brings frustration or anger. Management, on the other hand, is something that is proactive and happens when there is some planning done ahead of time.

Proactive discipline first of all means that a mother with little ones expects those little ones to act like little ones! A two year old who believes he is the center of the universe (and he has every reason to believe this, because out of necessity he has been treated as such) is NOT going to be a happy camper when someone tells him what to do or denies him what he wants. When you look at it this way, it actually makes sense why a child of this age acts the way they do. I'd probably throw a tantrum too if everything in my world was taken from me by someone I loved and trusted!

So if you understand why a two-year old acts the way he does, there is less reason to stress over it or become intimidated or angry. It just is what it is. Your job is to steer your child toward cooperation and that will take time and patience. What you actually do is far less important than knowing what you are going to do before the problem happens.

It's called Discipline: setting limits, helping your child develop an ability to tolerate frustration and convincing him that you are in control of his world (which makes him feel safe and protected.)

I remember when my children were young, each one went through a stage where they were just plain bad at the grocery store. They whined, begged for toys and cried when the answer was no, wouldn't stay in the cart, all that stuff. It was so stressful, so embarrassing, so tiring! I think I lost my cool more in that setting than in any other, usually laying into the kids after we got back into the van.

Bu there was once or twice --it happened with all four of them--when I vividly remember a triumphant success in this arena. This triumphant success occurred when I thought ahead of time what I would do if (when!) the inevitable happened. I actually planned it on a day when I had a little extra time. I told my child calmly and without emotion,before we went into the store, "If you throw a tantrum or scream in the grocery store today, I will take you out to the car and I will spank you." (**That was then, this is now.In 2011 unfortunately, you'd probably get called in by Children's Services. Remember its not WHAT you do to discipline, its that you do something.)

Back to the grocery store...

Each child took me up on it. And I was not surprised or taken off guard. I didn't feel upended, so I was able to confidently follow through with my plan. Without losing it or even feeling all that upset about the situation. When the tantrum began, I picked up my child, and went out to the car, grocery cart left still in the aisle. I spanked him with the little wooden spoon I had brought along for the occasion (I really was prepared!), hugged him till he calmed down, and then we returned to finish our shopping.

No more tantrums that day. I'm not sure if I had to do this more than once with each child, but I don't think so. It does sound almost too good to be true, but it worked.

**An alternative, since it IS now, not then--is to tell the child as you are taking him to the car: "I told you that I won't let you scream in stores. We're going to the car where you can scream all you want."