Because I say so

This post is especially for the mama's whose children range in age from 18 to 36 months. Some of this comes from my own experience, some of it comes from John Rosemond's books.

There are three basic understandings that your child has to learn during this critcal time.

Remember that for the first 18 months of life, your child was "It". Self-centered. All-in-all. The world revolved around him. And this was all very necessary because a baby has to learn in the early months of life to TRUST that his parents will always be there for him, no matter what.

Now the job of the parent is to establish authority---loving authority, yes---but authority non-the-less. This authority completely encircles the child, providing direction and protection. Taking the child out of the center of attention must be done slowly but surely. Lovingly but firmly. The parents must convince the child that he does not rule the world, they do.

So, back to Understanding #1:
The parent has to communicate to the child that from here on out, "I am the center of your life, but you are no longer the center of mine." A child will not pay attention to a parent who is acting as though his main duty is to pay attention to the child. That's why a little one will run away from his parents in a store or across the road: in his mind, he simply trusts that the parent will pay attention to whatever he is doing and stop him if he needs stopping. (Aren't we like that even as adults? If I am serving on a committee planning an event, and I know someone else will do the job if I don't, the motivation is far less than if the responsibility is all mine. When I know the job will succeed or fail based on what I do, I am rather motivated to do it well!)

Understanding #2:
The parent has to communicate to the child, "You will do what I tell you to do."
An authoritative parent understands that children have minds of their own, that they have opinions and that they may express their opinion respectfully. But while they are free to disagree, they are not free to disobey. When they do, there needs to be some penalty or some kind of negative impact on their life.

And Understanding #3 builds on #2:
The parent needs to help the child understand that "you will do what I say because I say so." Not because I have persuaded you that I am right, not because I bribe you or threaten you or lose my temper. Not even because I am always right (no one is always right.) But because I say so.

This attitude is necessary because the parent knows full well that it is not within a child's capacity to reason. It will not work. He CAN NOT understand an adult's point of view because he is not an adult. So explain your reasons if you must, but not in an attempt to make him understand. You give your reasons knowing your child will not understand or agree. Then you are not disappointed or upset when he does not agree. You stay calm, and in that calm, you communicate to your child that you know where you stand and you know where you want him to stand. When a child knows that you know where you stand, he has far less need to test you.

Don't forget that discipline is a heart issue, not a formula or set of do's and dont's. When your child misbehaves, you might give him a time out or sit him on a chair, or you might smack his little tush or you may give him a stern look---the method is not what is important. What matters is that the parent is the center of attention and they act decisively from that state of centeredness.

"Great Parents, Lousy Lovers"

Just in case anyone is still out there checking this blog, I wanted to let you know about an interesting discussion on the Focus on the Family radio program today.

Gary Smalley and Ted Cunningham, authors of the book Great Parents, Lousy Lovers, offer advice on re-building intimacy to couples who've let their kids become a higher priority than their marriage. (Part 1 of 2)

I listened to it on WDAC at 9:00 this morning and it will repeat tonight at 8:30. You can also listen online at www.family.org.

my daughter. my granddaughter

There are times I stop for just a second and my mind acts as a video recorder...capturing the reality that is in front of me and then rewinding 24 years. It all happens in a split second, most times I'm not even aware that I'm doing it. I see a little girl's face, her tear-drop eyes, rosebud lips, and bemused expression. She is looking up at me. Her head tilts just slightly, as if she means to ask a question. Even though she can not yet speak.

Is this de ja vu? I know that when that little girl was my daughter looking up at me, I felt the weight of my new responsibility --and I took the job very seriously. Could I actually raise a child from birth to adulthood and do it successfully? What exactly did "successfully" mean? I read books, listened daily to "Focus on the Family" on the radio, asked my own mother for advice, watched how other mothers did this thing called parenting, asked Jesus for wisdom.

Now, all these years later, I am Nana. I am here when my granddaughter is here, and go on with my life when she is not. The little one looking up at me does not depend entirely on me for sustanance. I am able to bask in the joy of moments with her, absolutely awed at how her little mind is expanding and maturing. How quickly she learns. How her perfectly formed body is growing.

I am amazed that her mother has the energy to keep up with this child. She is doing the job so well and I am proud of who she has become. My daughter, the mommy.

Looking back, I can see now that while the days seem to go by so slowly, the years fly by. It really is true. Just a micro-second of rewinding a video in my mind...

Someone once said that it is as grandmothers that mothers come into the fullness of their grace. It feels that way. And I am grateful for the privilege.