Thoughts on Turning 50

December 9, 2011.

I am 50 years old today.

Rarely at a loss for words, I have not been able to pin down how I actually feel about this momentous occasion. And it is momentous I suppose, in the same manner that anything in existence for half a century deserves to be recognized. 50 years is a very long time!

Therein lies the irony. I don't feel old. And it doesn't seem like I've been here a long time at all. I DO like celebrations, but that concept has changed for me in the past years. I realized when my husband asked me if I want a 50th birthday party, that I much prefer multiple, small celebrations that allow me to spend one-on-one time with the people who are closest to me. My husband. My children and grandbaby. Several couples who have weathered the seasons of life with Carl and me. My siblings and my parents. My sweet sisters. So I look forward to these outings in the near future.

I waffle between being nonchalant about my birthday ("what's the big deal? it's just a number!") to the other side of the spectrum where I reflect on what my life has meant thus far, and how my past decisions, joys and challenges have led me to where I am today.

So, since I am in one of those pensive moments,alone here in my quiet house for the afternoon...Here are some of my thoughts on turning 50.

* I am glad to be 50 because the alternative stinks. Oh, I do not doubt Heaven. My faith tells me it will be glorious. But I also believe that God put within each human being the desire to LIVE, to stay here on this earth as long as possible! (My 91 year old mother-in-law is a classic example, she often talks about how all the people around her at the retirement home are hunched over and gray-haired. And old. She simply does not see herself in the same category.)

I want to have more time with the man I chose to marry more than 28 years ago. I have never regretted that decision, by the way. Never once. I really believe our next 28 years hold more adventure than we can imagine! I want to continue cheering proudly from the sidelines as my beautiful daughters blossom and turn into young women, one of them on the cusp of becoming a mother for a second time. I want to watch my son make his way in the "real world" after his college graduation next Spring,developing his talents and God-given potential to make a difference in the world. And I can't wait to meet the other grandchildren who will follow Morgan, all little people not yet existing, but the promise is there!

*At 50 I am more at peace with who I am as a person, not so insecure, and I have less need to strive and push and shove my way through. I do not want to feel busy all the time-- busy is no longer synonomous with value and meaning in my life. I am happier to just BE.

*I feel as though, at age 50, I have attained bits of wisdom, not because I'm knowledgeable or smart: but simply by virtue of being here awhile. I am more keenly aware than ever before, how blessed I am. And as Scripure says, "to whom much is given, much is required." I pray that I will be able to use wisely what I have been given, understanding that my competence and sufficiency comes from the God who created me, not something I have worked for within myself.

*I recognize that there will inevitably be major shifts ahead for me. I suppose any woman in her 50's knows instinctively that some things will change, if they haven't already! But I am not talking in just a physical sense. The kids will eventually all be gone. More grandchildren arriving. More time alone for just Carl and me. Changes at work and new ventures in business.

And other surprises I don't know about yet.

But God does.

And I am OK with that.